Fear, Novelty, & Discovery
I have been exposed to a wide range of modalities in the last 8 years. Each bringing in a new perspective and experience, blowing apart my assumptions and understandings of myself and others. Showing me that I am often wrong about what I see. That really, it takes stepping in and experiencing something to know what is truly behind it. That words, videos, and pictures do little to describe the internal dialogues, sensations, and dynamics that are occurring.
The ropes are a similar story. I had little knowledge of Shibari, hearing about a couple friends who played around with it. Yet to me, being tied up, bound, under the unwanted control and exposure to another seemed terrifying. I had assumptions and stories in my head that these ties were abusive, disrespectful, and only used for sexual activities. That the dynamic between the person tying and the person being tied were unhealthy and forceful. I rejected it completely, filled with distrust and fear. It is too scary and not for me.
Then in 2020, I had the chance to talk to a couple women who were learning from someone and tying people themselves. They explained a completely different process and experience in the ropes. I even had the chance to witness someone being tied. A man being tied by a woman. I felt something very different in that moment. I saw trust, I saw vulnerability, I saw love and attention. It was perplexing and now, a bit more intriguing. Is it possible there is another experience here?
I was invited to attend a rope workshop. I felt uncertain, but I gave myself permission to check it out and to leave if it wasn’t for me. Step by step we were guided through different ties and styles for interacting with our partners. I started to see that there was so much more to this than what I had seen. That I wasn’t forced, I had a choice to decide what I wanted and didn’t want. That the person tying me is in communication with me and wanting to create an experience with me. I experienced polarities of control and surrender, intense discomfort coupled with sweet gentle caresses, I felt nervous and exhilarated, I felt powerful and helpless, and most surprisingly I felt held, cared for, and supported. Being released from the rope, after 30 minutes from a very basic chest tie, I was flying in my mind. I experienced surrender in the ropes, peace, a moment of solitude, quietness, support. When I was released, all of those sensations radiated through my body. It was euphoric. It was unbelievable. I wanted to keep diving into these sensations, experiences, and conversations with my body. Acknowledging the amount of information and story that is stored in each cell of my being which impacts how I see and experience the world around me.
After that first experience, I had to know more. I wanted to see what other hidden potential could exist in these ropes. Being tied in the ropes is a place where I challenge myself, to truly see myself, to allow myself to be vulnerable, and to step outside of my comfort zone. Each time, building courage in myself which impacts my daily life. The experience in the ropes are transferable to life. I experience so much therapeutic value in my experiences in the ropes. Wrapped in the ropes I see my stories, I hear my mind, I feel my heart, I sense my body. Everything comes alive.
Is it always pleasurable? No, sometimes I discover something very challenging about myself, my beliefs, my process, my experiences. Then it takes me time to work through those things. I am so grateful for those token moments of wisdom that come through in the ropes. Shedding light on the darkness that I have and haven’t known was there for so long. I like challenges. I like meeting myself. I like growing and expanding past what I thought was possible. I like examining my beliefs and understandings of myself. I like learning to love myself deep. I like seeing my power. I like being pushed to the edge where my suppressed emotions leak over the edge, giving sweet release to the door I’ve been trying to keep locked for so long. I like feeling so cared for and held. I like the intimacy, connection, and trust that is developed between myself and the person tying me (the rigger). My relationship with the rigger becomes one of its own. Stepping into the arena to explore and discover something together. Communication through the body, tuning into eachother. It's like a dance, charged with emotions, sensations, unpredictability, and flow. In such a short time, a couple hours together with the ropes, we have taken a deep dive together.
A deeper dive into being tied...
I am sure that my understanding and experiences in the ropes will change with time. I will share what being tied means to me at this moment. First, I recognize that it starts before the ropes touch my skin. It starts with truly tuning into myself and listening to my internal voice of my mind, heart, and body. What do I want to explore? What do I need? Do I trust the person who is tying me? What are my boundaries? What are my fears? For me, it’s a practice in communication. For expressing my truth (that I have struggled to do). There is so much vulnerability in expressing these things to another. This vulnerability and expression are personal challenges I have been enjoying stepping into. From here, we begin.
Then it is about trust. Trust in myself and trust in the other, for we have made an agreement to honor ourselves and the other. Being tied, so much comes alive in me. Awareness to each and every sensation of the rope. Which amplifies and changes as the ropes create new sensations through tightness, tension, restriction, comfort, discomfort, release. But, it is more than the technicality of the ropes on my skin, it is the interaction with the person tying me. That at one moment I can feel discomfort and then they gently touch my face or hold me in an embrace. The sensation of discomfort dissipates and I am instead consumed with their care. I am unaware of what will come next, but what I do know is that whenever I want it to stop, I have that power. This is also my practice. My practice in expressing my boundaries. If there is a sensation that I can not handle any longer, do I say so? Or do I hold out because I fear their response? Or believe that I am weak if I speak up? Or do I freeze and feel paralyzed to express my no? Do I tune out and distract myself telling myself it will be over soon? All of these are real questions that I have asked myself in the ropes, but moreso, throughout my whole life in countless situations…countless. What I do with the questions is very important. These are my boundaries. This is what I am learning about myself. I am learning to strengthen my voice and honor myself.
Many times, in the ropes I drift into memories. For the tension of the ropes moves something in me or is placed in a location where a memory or experience is stored. Recently, my feet were bound, tied tightly with intensity. At that moment, a flood of memories from 13 years ago came pouring in. Why this scene? Why this memory? In my feet, lived the memory of running away from someone who stalked me for 3 years. When he would see me, I would run away and he would chase me. My feet burning and aching while fear, adrenaline, and panic raced through in my body. Then in the safety of space with the ropes, I was able to sit with that memory, breathe and be with myself and that moment. Working with a rigger (a person who ties) who is intune, considerate, and aware of you, they are able to tune into your process.
To me, there is immense therapeutic capacity in the ropes. To look at stories, fears, memories, experiences, desires, curiosities, to surrender, to release control, and to receive. My times in my life when I have felt emotion, mental, and physical pain, I have isolated, hidden myself, retracted, and created distance. Yet, the most healing moments in my life have been when I have allowed another into my process, shared my story, my emotion, my experience when it is alive in me. Then it moves through me instead of getting stuck in my body or taking root in my mind. In the ropes, this comes alive for me, feeling a discomfort or comfort physically which provokes a mental process or emotion. Then in this helpless state, bound, out of control, I can not run away. I am present and I am being seen. The care and attention of the one who is tying me translates another message to my body. After all is said and done, they unravel me, hold me, gently touch my skin, rock me in their arms, and bring me back to the present moment. It is the most nurturing care. To be held after my experience and invite back to the present moment with love.
So, for me at the moment, this is my exploration. This is my study of myself and my willingness to speak up and honor myself and my desires, fears, and boundaries. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I don’t speak or say exactly what I mean. Then I am also learning from the experience and gaining clarity on the aspects of myself that need additional support, guidance, and love. It’s a practice learning how to honor myself and I am learning all along.
Image 1 & 2: Tied by Tatiana LimatiImage 3 & 4: Tied by IslandRigger